Let me first start off by saying, I Was the anti-relationship guy. I was cheated on by my now ex-fiance multiple times and not only did I blindly follow her around in puppy love, I also let her leave me multiple times. I became jaded after I finally found my man hood. It was finally over. I became jaded with the opposite sex. Anything with a vagina pissed me off. Every girl was a cheater and I vowed to never get into a relationship again. So the most logical thing I could think of is to...yep, get into another relationship! So let me put this straight. The girl, I will refer to her as.....Jessica. The moment I met Jessica, you could say at that moment my ship was sunk, flags up, full surrender! Her eyes. Man I fell like a sack of rocks for those beautiful eyes, and lets not forget her beautiful assets, which were on full display. But seriously, I couldn't stop staring into her eyes. She was my best friends friend. I heard about her here and there and even made references to him that he needs to hook up with her. He protested and said no. Hammered! Hammered drunk was my state of mind when I met this girl. But still, she drew me in without even trying. DAMN! A week or so passed before I saw her again, this time at a gathering at her place. Ben, come over to jessicas place, were all drinking is what my friend told me. So naturally off I went. Keep in mind, my last relationship of multiple years with the mother of my child had ended about a month ago and the loathing I had for women was there in full force. Yet I was still trying to find any girl that would do the hook up (to which there was no success). She made it. She made my goddamn favorite thing ever! Buffalo chicken dip! Why woman, oh why did you do this. We drank and we laughed. This girl had the capacity to have me rolling on the ground giggling like a girl. The sarcasm and hate for people she had was amazing! So now, she not only beautiful with amazing eyes, she can make me piss myself with laughter. What the fuck are you thinking Ben. Put your dick away, you don't need this, stop it!!!!! Eventually we started drinking together every weekend. As the always popular band Poison once said, "ain't nothing, but a good time". Finally Facebook friended her, not so nonchalantly messaged her my number, that my buddy saw pop up on her phone. He then relentlessly made fun of me for this. Had to play it off that it was just so we could be regular friends. Could not stop texting her, loved it and I also didn't. It started to become real! There was a girl that I could fall for again. Where the fuck was my brain and why was he not stepping in and yelling hey DUMBASS! Nope he was on vacation and left my dick and heart in charge. Wrong decision. I would cautiously text her and play the hard to get game. Didn't work to well. She was into me, and I showed her that i was slightly into her( complete lie, bitch had me hooked). We did the casual drunken making out and blow jobs and such, nothing crazy. Never slept with her though. That would make it to real! Couple of months of these shenanigans go by and it finally happens. Second weekend in my new Apt. she came over and we were all drinking. I became so blind drunk that I spanked her with a machete and through a monopoly board across the room. Yes, she still stuck around after seeing a grown ass man act like a complete child. That night, I felt like a Total stud as Completely ravaged her in my room. So much to the point that I literally destroyed my bed, broke it apart. A stud I was not though. To drunk to form coherent sentences, we finally got the bed back together and I passed out. Fast forward a couple months. These shenanigans would continue and we would hook up and I would peace out at the end with the lamest excuses. Now I felt like the boss. I thought I had control of this relationship. I did what I want and then I left. But, no! I started liking Jessica, a lot. I went so far as to try to prove myself wrong that I went on a couple of dates with other girls to say, see, you don't need a relationship. Didn't work. Never worked. It was her! She felt so good, to be around and to hold! I couldn't let her know that though. I couldn't let her know how she made me feel so quickly after being in the most emotional MMA fight of my life. Completely lost that fight by Knockout. She was not allowed to know that I wanted her. So i did what came natural. I became king Dick head. Would stop calling and texting her and use her solely for some late night fun. I was vulgar and played some crappy pranks on this girl with my buddy. And she was falling for me. She wanted me more and more. whenever I pushed, she pulled! All the while I was falling for this girl! Nothing could stop it, and I knew the time was coming soon. I would eventually make the plunge. Vacation!!! Washington D.C. I've never been on more of a drinking binge. Who goes to D.C. for vacation and drinking. My buddy and I do. Sightseeing and pedaling our bikes around the nations capital by day and getting pissed drunk by night. Games played, hotels destroyed! I was free to get out there and find any piece of ass i wanted too! NOPE! Didn't even want to hit up the local 3rd string strip clubs. I missed jessica! Could not stop thinking about her. Got home after a week of awesome history and nights I don't remember too well. Hanging out at jessicas with my buddy. We would openly go through her phone and criticize the shit out of this girl. This time was different. Instant jealously! Apparently jessica had become tired of me dragging my feet and all of my games. Johnny we will call him. It became apparently that because of me being a asshole that johnny now came into the picture and they were trying to get the hook up started. WTF!!!! This doesn't happen to me now. Not now! Not after getting my heart stomped on, trampled on and completely disrespected. I was jealous. Who is this guy trying to take the girl that I LOVED. Yep Loved, she made me do what I said I would never do again. So naturally after making her feel like shit for truing to move past what seemed like a dead end with me, I stepped up and made her mine. She was mine! HALLELUJAH! I loved her and now I had her. Every thing was great, we had so much fun together. Drinking, hanging out and going out. We found things to do together, shows to watch and eventually we started to fall into love. This girl was it for me! She would do whatever for me and I would do whatever for her. Everything was great and our relationship was moving fast and we loved it. So, Lets move in together. Man did I go against everything I said I would never do again. Never get into a relationship, never get married, and never move in with another girl. Keep in mind, I have a now 5 year old beautiful little girl, who is my Everything that I survive for! And Jessica has a now 6 year old little boy who was pretty fucking cool. Now, not only did i start to love jessica, but this little dude is involved and I found myself loving this kid! He is pretty awesome. Back story. I'm a paramedic and work nights 3 times a week and jessica is a nurse and was working a rotating shift 5 days a week. We had our separation. It was great. After we make the move, She gets a new job in the ER and is on the same shift schedule that I am on. For the first month, things are great. Then it happens. We are with each other to much. All the time. I'm so happy in my relationship that all I want to do is be around this girl who had given me a new view on women. I didn't hate them so much and not everything with a Vagina was evil. Just my EX was. I wanted her. EVERYDAY! Well now let me tell you something about jessica. She doesn't ever want to get married and has a History of troubled relationships and being treated like garbage. The relationships never lasted long. Well here is the problem now. The deeper I fell in love with Jessica, the more she moved away. It's not what she is used to! She is independent and strong and can do for herself. Everything that i Admired about this girl. Well not the relationship had turned into the anti-relationship! We see each other to much and she can't stand it. She fell in love with the guy who was the Mr. Anti-relationship and I flipped it on her and now she had flipped it on me! She wanted the relationship and I didn't. Now I desperately want her and she is getting pushed further away! We now have the Anti-relationship relationship. I don't know what to do. So i started to do this stupid thing where i became introverted and depressed as my relationship i so craved started a collapse. I became cynical and mistrusting. I was insecure to say the least. This lasted about 3 weeks until one day, i just couldn't take it any more and I asked. What is wrong with us! Nerve struck. Finally I get feedback! I am the problem, I am always insecure and depressed and thinking something is wrong. I'm getting in the way of my relationship. I snapped. Snapped out of it instantly. She made me see how stupid I was for acting like a child. I became me again. I just grew up a bit. I gave her the trust she deserved. Things started getting a bit better for us. Naturally, I do something stupid AGAIN! I get this just honest to god bad feeling in my stomach that something is going on! I do what I haven't ever done and I go through her phone. To the one conversation I would find dirt if there were any. DING DING DING! I find it! Now this may not be something horrible to all, but to me it pulled my guts out and i was on my knees shaking. "He's hot." "I wanna Bang". Words I read in her text messages about a guy she befriended on Facebook. Well, not just a guy, but a friend of mine. This fucking killed me, it destroyed me and I was heartbroken at the words I Wanna Bang. We are all entitled to think others are attractive, but to me, I have love an respect for jessica to never say that about another girl, let alone a friend of hers. I'm 100% honest in my relationship with her. I tell her everything and she knows everything. I give her no reason to mistrust me. I told her what I did and what i saw. "It was a FIREFIGHT"! We fought and shit got real! I was the asshole for invading her privacy, which i was! should never have gone through her stuff. but i did, instant regret, but i am happy that i did.....
to be continued, time to go to work!
Back again!
So yeah, all that shit happened. How do you get someone that you have spent so much time showing that you can trust them, to trust you again? I don't know? Am I the one that needs to be the once concerned about being trusted? After all, this was the first and only time that I have ever done this. Not to mention, That i caught her going through my phone before and she came back with the lamest excuse ever. I mean come one, i'm not going to believe the kids were playing on my phone and you were just trying to fix it. Thing was, I had 100% nothing to hide from her. I wasn't mad, i brushed it off, even laughed it off! But now she is making me to be the jackass for invading her privacy. Would she be as mad if i hadn't found something and admitted to looking through it or is it just cause i saw it? Who knows. All I know is that, I'm madly in love with a girl That is being pushed away from me. She is Anti-relationship. So, where does one go, what does one do? Break up? No that would be to easy and the bitch move. Move out? To soon, have 8 months left on our lease and i'm not about to stick her with rent she can't afford on her own. Can't do that, just not cool man. I've had thoughts of moving in with my buddy on the days I don't have my kid. I've had thoughts of following through on The Army. Something i've always wanted. So pretty much, this is a WTF kind of situation. We have 8 months left on our lease, maybe i'll check back in then. Maybe One of us will have murdered the other by then....in that case. This will be it. Adios!
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